Shades of Grey...

So I had a relatively uneventful spring break. I loved it. I slept in, did a little algebra, worked a lot less than I needed to, and cleaned my room. I relaxed a lot and took the time to think things through.

So today is the first day back, and I realized that I miss going to school. As much as I say that I'm ready to graduate, I'm gonna miss the smell, the atmosphere of a college classroom. I can't explain what exactly the 'atmosphere' is, but I love it.



On another note...



One of my best friends left for Iraq today. God bless him. But before he left, he told me some very .... umm.... disturbing(?) news. He informed me that my twice ex- boyfriend, Jim*, still likes me. Until recently, I had kinda had a thing for his roommate, Dwight. This makes for one big messy... Triangle? Its a big mess. (sorry, I'm at a lack of words today.) It makes me question my feelings for both boys. I keep thinking about the reasons why my relationship with Jim failed the first two times. I'm not exactly sure what happened the first time. That was four years ago. But recently, we ended it because he's not ready for committment. He doesn't make time for anything other than school. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready for anything yet, either. I don't plan on having anything really serious until after I graduate. But my friend's co-worker, Ryan, made an interesting point. He says I should never settle for anything less than I deserve. He said that if Jim can't make time for a pretty, sweet girl like me, then he doesn't deserve me. And mostly, I believe him. But this is a sticky situation. I don't think, when it comes to matters of the heart, that there is a clear, black and white answer. Everything is, after all, just shades of grey...



*Names have been changed to protect the innoc...err.. the guilty parties. In fact, the names were changed to characters from "The Office." :)



--C

If I Were a Radio...

I would play these songs. My favorites.


They include but are not limited to::

• Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Falling Down by Atreyu. I love rocking out to this song on my way to school every morning. No kidding. There hasn't been a day this semester that I haven't listened to it.
• Baby Britain- I'm not sure who its by, but Bayside did an amazing cover. If I ever become a musician, this will be on my first album.
• Free Falling - I love John Mayer's accoustic version. Its a timeless song.
• Waiting on the World to Change by John Mayer because this is exactly how I feel.

• Montauk by Bayside - I swear, this song was written about me. It got me through some really hard times.

• Wouldn't it Be Nice? by the Beach Boys - ... ahh. The Beach Boys...

• Fix you by Coldplay - I really love almost everything Coldplay has done. But there's something about the music and the sound of his voice that makes me love this song. I never grow tired of it.

• The Way You Make Me Feel by Michael Jackson - This was from Michael's good days. Did you know this song was number one on the day I was born? Sure was.

• Champagne Supernova by Oasis - "Someday you will find me, Caught beneath the landslide..."

I'm a sucker for quotes and since I finished reading P&P, I thought I'd share my favs...

"I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow." --Mr. Darcy

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

"What are men to rocks and mountains?" --Elizabeth (not Mary, as the movie portrays)

But no sooner had he made it clear to himself and his friends that she had hardly a good fortune in her face, that he befan to find it was rendered uncommonly intellegant by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. ... In spite of his asserting that her manners were not those of fashionable world, he was caught by their playfulness.

"If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever." --Mr. Darcy

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." --Mr. Darcy on falling in love with Elizabeth Bennet.

Lately...

I've been slacking on the writing thing. Truthfully, I've picked up another hobby. Having a part time job and being a full-time student isn't enough for me (and it is QUITE time consuming). Oh, no! So I set out to do something that I've been neglecting as well. I started reading again. Don't get me wrong, I read all the time. But I don't think textbooks, Cosmo, recipe books and Twilight really count. I love Twilight. Its SUCH a good story, but I need something that stimulates my crainium. haha. So last week I started reading Pride and Prejudice for the billionthhhhhhh time. It really is the original romance novel. Speaking of such, I read "Dark Prince" the other day. Its the first book in the Dark series, Vampire (ahem, excuse me. Carpathian) romance novels. Its a little unrealistic, but do you really expect them to be?
So I made a list of books I want to read. I actually bought a few of them. When I have my own house, I'll have a library: one room filled with books and a nice leather couch when I can sit and read all day long. Its nice to dream anyway. Well the list is full of classics (sigh) and some more contemporary authors. Its got everything from Jane Austen, of course, to Gregory Maguire. After I finish P&P, I plan on reading Dark Desire, book #2 from the Dark Series. Then I'll move on to Persuasion, Emma, and even some Mary Higgins Clark. I'll let ya know how it goes. For now, Adieu.
--C

I'm SO proud of myself :)

Tuesday evening, I had no plans. Therefore, I decided to attend the local High School basketball games. My sister dances on the dance team so I thought I'd support her habit. haha.

Well, It turns out that the little brother of the jerk of an exboyfriend plays on the Senior High team. I'm a little shocked by how much they look alike, but I shrug it off and concentrate on the game. About halfway through, I head to the concession stand and find myself face-to-face with said exboyfriend and his new girlfriend. I wanted to laugh. The expression on his face was a mixture of "Oh, shit!" and awkwardness. It was priceless. I could have yelled at him, demanding to know why things ended the way they did. Or I could of socked him in the face, which would have been a more exciting and entertaining decision. But instead I chose to chuckle to myself and take my pizza back to my seat. I kept thinking about this graphic I saw on FaceBook or something. Its said: At first, I was jealous. But then I laughed because she's ugly.

But it doesn't apply to me at all. I don't feel that sharp pain in my chest when I looked at him. I didn't see red when I saw them together. I didn't feel a thing, except a bit of comic relief. And for Caitlin, this is good. Very good. This is cause for celebration. I bought myself a semi-slutty outfit for my 21st birthday.

I don't think so...

You got a look in your eye when your saying goodbye, like you wanna say hi...

Please take this into consideration:: When I wrote this, I stripped myself of all pride and embarassment. I was naked, in a sense. I had no intention of ever letting anyone see it, and it is, without a doubt, one of the most emotional things I've ever written (atleast for me). Remember this when you read it.

I like to think that at one point in time, you meant everything you said.
I like to think that you meant that kiss... And that you knew exactly what you wanted.
And that was me.
In that moment, that night, those brief seconds in time, I was completely yours.
That counts for something right?

I also like to think that when we pass each other at school, you stop and think, “Damn. I screwed that up.”
I like to think that some days you stop and wonder what I’m doing.
And some days, I think you regret the things you said.
And some days, even if it’s the worst day of your life, the day when everything is falling apart, you miss me.
Even if it’s only for a moment.

And everyday I try to pretend that I’m stronger than this.
I don’t miss you.
I try to convince myself and then I put on my mask.
I go about my day;; remember not;; and try to be confident.
But when the make up’s off, the music’s on && I’m all alone, I shed a tear.
Just one small one. That’s all I’ll allow.
Because I am stronger than this. I’m stronger than you.

I’ll grow up;; move on;; live my life.
I did everything I could… Said everything I felt…
I have no regrets.

When you’ve figured out what you want,
You can let me know. I’ll be here.
I still like to think we’re friends, even though we don’t speak anymore.
You do your thinking ;; && I’ll do mine.
Maybe we’ll be thinking the same thing.
&if not…
Here’s looking at you, kid.

-C

I woke up this morning and my favorite pair of sunglasses was gone. I looked under the rugs, in the cabinets, and under the sofas. I looked in my car, in my apartment, and around town. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember where I lost them. “They’re gone,” I sighed after wasting a few hours looking for them.

“Caitlin,” mom stated somewhat calmly, yet reluctantly.

“They’ve been gone for months.”

I melted into the floor, as the reality sunk in. Gone forever.

A few weeks later, I spotted my sunglasses perched on the slightly pointy nose of a skinny, pretty brunette. It was a perfect fit, and as much as I wanted those sunglasses for myself, they never really were mine. They were always hers. I pray she keeps my sunglasses safe.

-C

Instead of writing something hilarious or possibly inspiring today, I think I'll tell you something true. Hayley and I were driving home from church today and listening to Coldplay's "FIX YOU." Did I mention this is my favv song at the moment? Well it is. Anywho, We're driving down 67 and I look over at this gorgeous girl that is turning into an extremely beautiful young woman. I start thinking about how much I love her. Tears started falling. I felt really pathetic. We're sisters, so we should be screaming and arguing all the time like they do on Grey's. But this never happens. I'm blessed to have such a great sister. She's so easy to talk to and we have tons of fun together. She has so much potential and I can't wait to see what she does with it.

Bart Giamatti did not grow up (as he had dreamed) to play second base for the
Red Sox. He became a professor at Yale, and then, in time . . . president of the
National Baseball League. He never lost his love for the Boston Red Sox. It was
as a Red Sox fan, he later realized that human beings are fallen, and that life
is filled with disappointment. The path to comprehending Calvinism in modern
America, he decided, begins at Fenway
Park.
--david halverstam

“Not me, babe. Choosing me is choosing disappointment.”
His words echoed in the empty room. Lying on her bed drew unwanted attention to the fact that the weight of the world rested on her eyelids. “Life’s full of disappointment. I’ve always be a fan of the red sox.”
What’s one more time?
It’s only an organ.
It only pumps blood.
We only regret the choices we didn’t make.
She’s not a big fan of regret. The choice was made. She could hold him forever, but only kissed him goodbye. Her eyes peeked through the blinds to watch his headlights fade away.

-C

Temper part II [the hero dies in this one]

All the days run together. Your old friends turn to acquaintances. The memories may eventually fade. But you can only stay numb for so long. All it takes is a whisper, a scent, a faint memory and the pain rushes back. You can push it away, but inevitably, it comes back. Back with the realization that maybe things changed for the best. New things happen and the fuzzy edges become clearer. Maybe he was right. There was no spark. The rush, the butterflies, the rapid heartbeat wasn’t there. Slowly, the old acquaintances turn into new friends. And “the one” finally becomes your best friend. Maybe it was bad timing, or maybe it was the world’s way of saying “fuck off.” The reason doesn’t matter. Someone very wise once told me: “It all gets better with time.” I never woke up with the realization that I was over it, and there was never a flashing sign that told me everything was okay. Or maybe there was and I was too blind to see it. Not only does time wound all heels, but it heals all wounds.

-C