So Long, '09.

For the first time in a while, I'm feeling peace.

I've come so far this year. I've been through tremendous ups and downs. And finally, I'm feeling that things are falling into place. There's the possibility of a new job, a new apartment, a new boy. According to my horoscope [[psshhh..]] 2010 is my year. We'll see...

With Me:: Sum 41

...And when you think it never happens, it happens.

Happiness is more related to the simple things in life. -[Uncle] Wally Goddard

"Come Alive" by the Foo Fighters

George Bernard Shaw said, "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."

I think what Shaw was trying to say is that its a tragedy to gain your heart's desire and realize that its not enough. It may be that boy, the one you know you'd be happy with, or maybe its a college, the one you've wanted to attend since you were little. It may even be the career path, the one you thought you wanted. Suppose you got all these things. What would happen if, once you had them, they turned out to be nothing like you expected?

In the past year, I wanted things. I wanted to date this boy. He was a boy from my past. We had dated before. And when our second (or third, or fourth...) chance came around, I took it. But I wasn't happy. He didn't make me happy. That realization broke my heart.

[The one on the left, licking my face.]

I was pursuing a degree in Finance at UALR. Somewhere in the middle of my accounting class, I realized that I had no desire to do this for the rest of my life. Sure, I'm a little lost and that scares me. I was always the "girl with a plan." Now I'm planless and I think I'm okay with that. Its not what you do that matters, its how much you enjoy doing it.

When it comes down to it, I'd rather gain my heart's desire and realize it's not enough, than to never have it at all. Because I'd be learning about myself. I wouldn't sit back and wonder "what if." Everytime I realize what I don't want, I'm one step closer to realizing what I do want.

SotD:: When it Comes by Tyler Hilton

Shaw also said, "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

I'm gonna need a flashier tie.

"You pile up enough tomorrows and you'll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today worth remembering." - The Music Man

There comes a time in your life, where you have to make the BIG decision: a decision that will change your life. You may be in high school, or college. You may be in an entry-level position, or the CEO of a Fortune-500 company. Maybe you're a single twentysomething, or maybe a new mother.

But each of us have to face the music.

You have to make the tough decision between who you've always been and making your dreams come true. You must face the denial in your eyes and know that the person you are isn't the best self you can be.
Its hard. And scary. I wouldn't dare say otherwise. But when you look back on your life, 20 years later, will you regret the choices you didn't make? Will you regret leting the opportunities pass? Or will you seize the opportunities and make your dreams come true? I sincerely hope you choose the latter. I hope that your desire for change out weights the fear in your head. I hope you allow yourself to fulfill your potential.

Carpe diem.

As for myself, I plan on doing what makes me happy. That's what life is all about. I'm don't trying to satisfy others. I'm doing things my way. Carpe diem.



Making my dreams come true.


"There comes a time with the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

SotD:: "Believe" by The Bravery

One of my favorite songs. Becoming on of my favorite bands. Definately worth the 4 minutes it takes to watch the video. Just do it.

I'm a big girl now; see my big girl shoes.

Gorgeous brunette. Amazing smile. Loves music. Lyrics. Blogs. Drives when angry. Takes black and white photos. Loves to see movies. Watches Ghost Hunters, One Tree Hill, and Bones. Uses quotes. Reads books [currently Lovely Bones.] Loves Yellow. Writes. Afraid of falling. Giggles when tired. Loud when excited. Loves flying (ironic much?) Believes in fate&&destiny. freedom. choice. happiness. peace. Generally lost. Worst nightmare. Dream come true. Intelligent. Kind. Stubborn. Simple. Complicated. Motherly. Childish. Tough. Beautiful. Sensitive. Responsible. Shallow. Deep. Walking contradiction. Angel. Devil. Mischevious. Lover. Fighter. Trusting. Bitter. Running. Independent. Busy. Patient. Bored. Adored. Original. Caitlin.

"Imagination is everything. It's the preview of life's coming attractions." -Albert Einstein

"They say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." -Andy Warhol

"If you have no intention of loving or being loved, the whole journey is pointless." -Kate Elizabeth Dicamillo

"Fill your paper with the breathing of your heart." -William Wordsworth

"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." -Jonathin Kozol

SotD:: Overboard by Ingrid Michaelson.

I took some pictures last week. They turned out lovely. And YOU get to see my gorgeous new coat. :]

I practically stood in this stream to get this shot. :( My jeans got wet.

I'm a silly dancer.

I love that this one is blurry. Completely accidental.

Urban artwork. :]

I read this artical taken from the June 2009 issue of Glamour magazine. Its called "Six Beauty Habits Men Wish You'd Skip." Habit numero dos is padded bras. It says "Sure, men stare at big breasts, but pay close attention and you'll notice we ogle every size." That may be true. I like my boobs how they are, but if I can pay $40 to get a nice bra from Victoria Secret that makes me feel good about myself, I'm gonna do it.

Habit number three was "Living in High Heels." Basically the same rules apply. Guys don't care how tall you are. Frankly, I'm a little insulted by this article. Jake (some real, live single guy from NYC) seems to think that the way we dress is just to impress some guy. HAHA. I feel the need to point out that he's single. Let me set ya straight, Jake. Girls don't dress to impress guys. They dress to impress other women. I feel hot in padded bras and high heels. Confident. Isn't that the sexiest thing of them all? Its not about how tall you are or how big your boobs are. Its not about hiding the love handles or looking good when you wake up. Its about how you feel about yourself. Vincent Van Gogh once said "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."

Because no one decides who I am.

I do.

I'm never gonna make you fall.

{{Keep in mind that I wrote this a while back, so my obsessions have changed.}}

Lately, I've become totally obsessed with 90's rock. I just downloaded a bunch of REM, Sheryl Crow, Eve 6, Third Eye Blind, etc... The music is great, don't get me wrong, but I think its more than that. It reminds me of a time when things were simpler. An age of innocence.

In 1998, I was 10 years old. I had a brand new baby sister. The only thing I worried about was who I was going to play with at recess. The worst injury I had was a skinned knee.

Now things are much more complicated. I worry about things like money and my future. My worst injury consisted of my freshman year of college, a 2,000 mile distance and a broken heart.

Youth really is wasted on the young. When you're young, you don't understand the beauty of it. And you certainly don't appreciate it. But I think we all have that moment of clarity, whether we're 15 or 50. Its that moment where you realize that, even when life is tough and your world is crumbling down around you,

Life is worth it.

You were sent here for a reason. You were meant to interact with these people. You were meant to touch their lives. No one can take that away from you. This is your life.
Live it to the best of your ability.
Cherish every moment.
You'll keep your memories for the remainder of you life.
But live in the moment.
Remember, Tomorrow is today.

"All I Wanna Do" by Sheryl Crow.

Currently, I love::

Wicked Images Photography...
[I ran across their page on facebook, and the photos are amazing.]

Ankle boots.

Fashiontoast

My new coat :]

Etsy

Sudoku

The color RED.

Scrapbooking

BONES.!

Robyn. :]

And its finally beginning to feel like Christmas. So I'm definately loving the Christmas lights at the courthouse. [Pictures will be taken soon. Hopefully.]

{Roadtrippp.}

This is gonna be a busy week for me. :]

Tuesday :: Sister Baker's Baby Shower.
Thursday :: Work
Friday :: DANE COOK. :]  and a long-arse drive to Bentonville.
Saturday :: Hay's dance competition.

So. I'm going to need a road mix for the 3 hour drive. I've already got some Audioslave and The Cure set up, but I need something new.

Ooh, did I mention that I found this guy named Jakob Dylan? He's Bob Dylan's grandson, I believe. His voice is incredible.

I'm all in favor of iTune's free song of the week, but seriously? "I love you so much that its driving me stupid"? My 4 year old nephew could write better lyrics than that. Poor girl.

Basically, I need some suggestions for new music. Thanks, Cat.

Isaac feeds me cake at the Bloch boy's birthday bash.

Me, Ben, and Isaac.

Yeah, they talk about her. She smiles like she's so tough.

"The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days." -One Tree Hill

Day #7

I find it amusing how much people can change. Five years ago, I was the dancer that loved hip-hop music. Now I'm the girl that opposes almost anything mainstream. My taste in music, movies, hobbies and even boys has changed. But, in all honesty, I don't think I've really changed; I think I've found myself, the person I'm supposed to be. Maybe, I've changed for the better.

I like this Caitlin much better.

I used to love romantic comedies. Now I like things with a little more meaning. I want to watch something that teaches a lesson. Like "Charlie Bartlett"; it teaches that there's more to life than popularity. How you use that popularity, for example. Life is about helping others.

And music... That's taken a complete 180. When I was little, I was obsessed with '90s country music, like Winona Judd and Patty Loveless. Then I meandered into teenagedom. I became one of those girls that hung out in the mall and listened to Top 40 songs. And I was completely okay with that because it was all I had known. It was what my friends did.

But then I went to college. I started to think for myself. I dated Jaron and he introduced me to Something Corporate and other punk rock bands. But more than that, he introduced me to a way of life. Something different. And it was exactly what I needed. I was finally realizing who I am supposed to be. I realized that there was more to life than Glen Rose, Arkansas. Just because this was how things always were doesn't mean this is how they're supposed to be. People change. Change is inevitable. When I step outside each morning, I decided who I am and who I want to be and no one can tell me otherwise. I don't want to be anything other than me.

Let's do a tiny recap:
Day #1 - Anything by Taylor Swift
Day #2 - Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing"
Day #3 - Matchbox 20's "Argue" and "3 AM."
Day #4 - The Beetle's "Eleanor Rigby"
Day #5 - Kate Voelege's "Chicago"
Day #6 - Fall Out Boy's "Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of this Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued"
Day #7    ...

SotD:: "Paper Bag" by Anna Nalick.

I love this picture.
It reminds me of my Shaina.
And it has somehow became the theme in my life.

"But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?"

Day #6

Sorry I've been a little AWOL lately. This weekend's been crazy stressful insanity! I played mom while my parents were out of town. Throw in a high school football game, 4 siblings, dance competition, a hogs game, and a day in Russellville, and you get an instant stressful Caitlin. So not much time to write about songs. But a sick day in bed did give me plenty of material so I'm backed up. Hope you enjoy the next few days. :)

SotD:  Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued

Fall Out Boy has exactly what a punk-rock band calls for: the dark clothes, eyeliner, sometimes spiky hair and the catchy tunes. One of my favorite parts of this song is that it’s a PERFECT summer song. Like “Argue,” it needs to be played with the windows down, sun on my skin, and wind in my hair. Having the volume turned up as loud as possible and screaming the words also helps. But my absolute favorite part is listening to it in my car with [[LITTLE SISTER]] then walking around target singing it together. Even if I’m sick and feel like crap and its cold outside. That doesn’t matter. When we’re together, there’s nothing else I want to do. I don’t think about what papers I should be writing or how much money I just spent. All I want to do is have fun. I just revel in being with her. I bask in that feeling. You know that feeling? The one where everything is right in the world. That’s the feeling I get. The world could be crashing down around us and it wouldn’t matter. That’s what love is. It's more than just being related. It’s the fact that you enjoy being with them even if you have to use an excuse like buying a garment bag, and you end up getting in trouble for it because you called in sick and you run into your manager’s boyfriend. Oops. But that doesn’t matter, because I was hanging out with Little Sister, and I had fun. Is there anything wrong with that?

Blink and you miss it...

Sometimes, I like to do something daring. I enjoy spontaneity. The definition of spontaneous is:

Something said, done, etc, of one's free will, without pressure from others. Natural, not forced.

 Living without pressure, being allowed to do what I want is exactly what I need.

Life is very short. It passes in the blink of an eye. Doing things that are pressured or forced seems ridiculous. Isn't living life worth taking the risks? If you let the opportunities pass you by, what are you left with? Old age and a regret for the things you didn't do? What's the point of that? My little sister is 12 years old. She has a bucket list, a list of things she wants to do before she kicks the bucket. This summer, she completed one item by learning how to wakeboard. She's one of the most fearless people I know. And, she's only 12.

But sometimes, life deals you a crappy hand. You take the risks and they don't pay off. It sucks. Believe me, I know. But you have to bounce back, no matter how much it hurts. If you don't, you're left with an empty spot in your heart and a complacent feeling.

Day #5

So, that brings me to my SotD (Song of the Day)...

"Chicago"

by Kate Voelege.

Check Out Kate's Website.

We're all pretty bizzare... Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.

Day #4

A little after midnight, Eleanor takes off her makeup, her mask. She crawls under the sheets and turns on her ipod. She rolls over and sees the empty spot next to her. Tears well up in her eyes. She begins to think the pain in her chest will never go away. People always leave and Eleanor is left behind. She feels comfort in the music, lets in suck her in and drown out her thoughts. She wonders what it's for. Where does she belong? She fidgets with the bottle of little white pills and prays for something more. She prays for sleep, for the relief of unconsciousness, if only to pass the time and ease her heartache. But, is there something more? She tries to convince herself that there is. She puts the bottle back in her nightstand drawer. As she finally succumbs to sleep, she hears the final notes of the song on her ipod and sheds once last tear.

"All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"

Yeah, Let's celebrate mediocrity!

Day #3

Matchbox 20's songs are full of catchy music, yet they say exactly what we can't. My favorites have to be "Argue" and "3 A.M." both on the "Yourself or Someone Like You" album. "Argue" has a very upbeat tune. I like to listen to it when driving around with the windows down, the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair. "I know, but I still believe in ignorance as my best defense."

"3 a.m." might be one of their most popular songs. The lyrics are heart shattering. "And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all. She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to." To me, it represents the failing of your dreams, the realization that you don't live in a color portrait world. And that is something we can all relate to.

It's not so easy getting back into the ring, especially with the one that knocked you out in the first place.

I just saw a cop giving a ticket to a guy parked in a handicapped spot. Of course, he didn't have any tags. People should quit being so lazy and leave the spaces for people who actually need them. Just thought I would put that out there.

....

Flashback to 2005. It was a year of GREAT music. But, for one girl, it was a year of love...

February 2005. She was an awkward mess of a barely seventeen year old girl. There was once boy that occupied her thoughts. She has known him forever, and loved him even longer. She had high expectations as she walked through the cascade of crete paper. If there was ever magic at a high school dance, it was here. Anticipation and excitement curled in her stomach as she joined her friends. Their friends.
They danced all night, always flirting. He even did a silly chair-dance that was so ridiculus, she still giggles about it. And at the end of the night, with Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing" blaring through the speakers, they slowly revolved in a small circle. After singing "Lying close to you feeling your heart beating, and I'm wondering what you're dreaming, wondering if it's me you're seeing," he leaned his head down and gently pressed his lips to hers. It was the prefect ending to a great night, and I'll remember in for the rest of my life.

I don't automatically think of that song with I think about great music. When I think of happier times, it's one of the first to pop into my head. When I hear that song, my mind wanders back to that night, an age of innocence, when dreams really did come true...

As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone. --Lucas Scott (One Tree Hill)

"Don't resist me, Mama. It's BOOGIE TIME!"

Today, I was driving down the road, trying not to think. So, of course, I was thinking. For the first time in a while, I was silent. I just listened to the song that was playing (which was the accoustic version of "Sometime Around Midnight" by The Airborne Toxic Event. Amazing) and thought about what the music was telling me. I let the notes swarm around my head.

Music has the power to make you cry or jump for joy, lift you up or tear you down, make or break you. But do people know what it means to me? Sure, my best friends know how neccessary it is to my sanity, but what about the average Joe-Schmoe? I'm not too sure.

A friend of mine (let's call her Sally) once told me that I have awesome taste in music. She said that I always find the most obscure bands with the most amazing songs.

So, for the blogging world, I'm going to educate you in music. (I'm not saying your music is crappy, I SWEAR. But I wanna show you what I like.) I'm going to introduce you to a song and tell you my feelings about it. I want people to know what it means to me. But mostly, I want people to figure out what it means to them.

Day #1

Taylor Swift. I like almost anything by her. I was talking with a co-worker the other day. She was saying that she didn't know why everyone likes her and that Ms. Swift isn't that good of a singer. I informed her that it wasn't about her singing ability; its about the catching songs. And most everyone can relate to them. We've all broken up with a crappy boy/girlfriend. We've fallen for the one that looks right through us. But mostly, she's a very down-to-earth person. She doesn't act like all the other stars that refuse to talk to fans. She stays after her shows just to sign autographs. My mom was telling me about a time when she bought pizza for all her fans. That's why people like her. It has nothing to do with her singing ability. It has everything to do with lyrics like these:

"Wake up and smell the break-up, fix my heart, put on my make-up, another mess I
didn't plan"

Being a Writer..

"Being a writer is one of the most masochistic endeavors. I love to hate it." -John Mayer.





I'm in one of those in-between places. I have lots of ideas and plenty of rough drafts. But that's it; they're very rough. Raw. Its almost embarrassing.


I need to do some editing. Rewriting. Thinking.


But I don't have time for that. So I'm giving you some of my favorite quotes. :)





"It taught me to hope as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before." --Mr. Darcy





"I don't wanna go to LA anymore, Get lost on the boulevard at night without your voice to tell me 'I love you. Take a right.' The ten and two is a lonely sight." --John Mayer. I'll give you ten points if you can tell me the meaning of the last line. Oh, and by the way, the name of the song is "In Your Atmosphere."





"My daily goal is to make a difference, no matter how small." --Me.

A desk, some letters, and a Christian Science handbook.

For the past few months, I've been searching for a desk. I've looked EVERYWHERE, but I can't find one that I like, within my budget. About 10 or so years ago, we acquired my grandma's sewing machine when she passed away. Its one of those that is built into a desk, and you can fold it up. Its been in my sisters' room for a while and they no longer have room for it. My mom told me that I could have it if I cleaned it out. So that's what I did tonight. I had planned on taking a break from the genealogy thing and just cleaning my room and packing for our mini-vacation.

But no.

I found the usual things you'd find with a sewing machine: needles, thread, material, and patterns.

But I also found some unusual stuff, letters, pictures, pieces of my Uncle Gary's Army uniform, and even a baby brush. I'm trying to read the letters, but they're a bit difficult to make out.

I did find a letter adressed to my great-grandparents, Lawrence and Gladys Dukeshire. It was postmarked on Dec 2 of 1976 from Woodland, California. 13 cent stamp. no lie. At this time, they were living in AR to be closer to their children and grandchildren. Eva and Stewart wrote, "You seem so far away! We think about you often and know you must be very happy there close to Laura & family. We know the feeling as we are glad to be near Marjorie and Marilyn.... No need to tell you the grandchildren are growing up fast because you can see yours growing also!" At the time, my dad was thirteen years old. He really loved seeing all this stuff.

I found a warranty card for a Polariod SX-70 camera. It was really popular, though expensive, in the 1970's. For more info//pictures.

There are a lot of things from the Christian Science Church, including several pages of notes my grandmother wrote.

I also found a picture taken on Jan 13, 1963 of Laura and Ed Burchfield. (That would be my grandparents.) It was my dad's second birthday. Dad says it was in their home in Sacramento. My grandma looks just like my Aunt Julie. And my grandpa, looks just like my Uncle Craig. That's who I thought it looked like at first, until I saw the date on the back.

One Step Closer.

Genealogy.

I've been trying to find out more about my paternal grandmother, Laura Arlene Burchfield. Her maiden name was Dukeshire. She was born in Los Angeles, California on July 4th, 1939. She had an older sister, Phyllis Caroline, and a younger brother, Alfred Donaldson. Phyllis was a year older and Alfred was three years younger. I've met my Great-Aunt Phyllis several times and she often sends cards or letters. I met Uncle Alfred once, at my grandmother's funeral.



After a few hours of extensive research, I found her birth certificate and those of her brother and sister. It's rather difficult to find any information on genealogy websites without paying for a membership. On ancestor.com, I found reference to Laura and Phyllis in a newspaper called The Mountain Democrat. However, I can't find the article in their archives. It seems to me the article was about a church function. My dad always told me that she was a very religious woman. From what I can tell, Laura spent many of her years in Placerville, California.



Laura was 22 years old when my dad was born. She gave birth to five children: Edward (my dad), Julie, Gary, Craig, and Cindy. My dad and Gary were born in Sacramento, while Julie was born in Monterey.



By the way.. The best times for researching are sundays and the best background music is Augustana's album, All the Stars and Boulevards.


Well, it's well past my bedtime. So I'll continue the quest to know my grandmother another day. :)

Stuck in a rut.

Its true. I'm stuck. I have nothing inspiring to write about.
When I signed up, I had this dream of having hundreds of viewers, and that what I write would have an impact on people.
Instead of picking one topic to blog about, I just "fiddle-farted around."

Now I'm in a rut.

Name: Caitlin
Age: 21 [but 8 at heart]
Occupation: Full-time Student; Part-time Car Hop.
Currently Listening to: "Bend to Squares" By Death Cab for Cutie
Mood: Dejected.
Relationship Status: Single. (And No, I don't have any plans of changing that. Thank you.)

Did I mention that I just watched "Julie and Julia?" Well I did. I feel like if I did some kind of a year-long project, I could find myself. I would know what I like and dislike. And maybe in this process, things would fall together a bit.
I even tried googling "Blog Ideas." Nothing.

I need help.

A Few...

Of my favorite things.

A band I just discovered. [The Starting Line]

I love "Best of Me."

And flats. I love flats. This style and color is too cute. I love em with skinny jeans. But only denim, not those crazy colors Rue 21 sells.

I'm really loving the plaid look.

Doesn't she look cute? I don't think I could pull this together myself. Wishful thinking...

I'm a girly-girl at heart. So I love jewelry like this:

and this:

And I've always loved A Fine Frenzy. Her voice is amazing and her lyrics are inspiring. :]

A few weeks ago, I got a text from a dear friend of mine. It went something like this: "These last few weeks you've had such a smile on your face and your happiness just seems to be radiating from so far within. I don't know what it is, but do not let go of it."
Tonight, at institute, I came across a scripture. It's Mosiah 2:41. It says: "And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are recieved into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."
I don't know about you, but the promise of "never-ending happiness" sounds pretty AMAZING to me.

*Correction: I'm going to see the sixth Harry Potter, not the seventh. I guess I just got excited. Oops.

........

So according to Facebook, I am a 1930's girl.

You are strong and determined and have what it takes to get through life's
storms. You are very helpful to those around you-- be it your friends, your
family, or even a neighbor in need. You are a great leader and strong-willed
person, and take challenges as a way to better yourself...But you also have a
deep sense of warmth and nurturing for those you care about. You are
well-rounded and tough because you have to be. You aren't a "diva" but rather a
humble person with admirable character. With more hard-working, quality like
you, this world would be a much better place. By being able to turn a little
into a lot, you know how to make life enjoyable even if it's just through the
little things.

I think that fits. :)

{Ideas..}

When it comes to what I wear, eat, listen to, who I hang out with, and what I watch on TV, I'm a pretty opinionated person. I know what I want. I'm extremely picky.



Lately, I've decided that I want to redo my room. Its become quite cramped. I'm working on throwing out the things I don't need and giving away the things I don't want.



My mind changes every other day on what I want my room to look like. I want something that will make it seem bigger. Maybe some cute storage bins. But I also want it to represent my ideas, my thoughts, and my personality. That's where I'm at a loss.



Please, throw out any design ideas you guys come across. I need some ideas. I already have most of my furniture, so I'm need color schemes and general decorations. I say "most" because I'm still looking for a desk that I like. I want to figure out the colors and designs before I blow some cash on a desk that might not work.



Please?

Thank you.



On to other things.



In the boy situation, things have changed a lot since I was last on here. I'm not gonna say what's going on, because I don't want to jinx a good thing. Honestly, I don't really know what's going on, and I probably won't for the next two years.



In the friend situation, things have been a little strained lately. My heart says one thing and my head says another. Above boy has been helping out a lot. He gives great advice. In fact, one of his last texts what particularly insipiring. Its said,

Don't stand in unholy places. You see, anger is of the devil, and those who
bring anger and hate to others without caring about it are more of the devil
than of the Lord. We all upset people, but those who try not to most of the time
and try to spread love and peace are one who care and love the Lord.

So for the moment I'm just going to let things rolls off, leave it in the Lord's hands. I know that everything happens for a reason and I trust him with my whole heart.



That said, I'll tell you about my latest and newest goal.



I've never been a big Harry Potter fan. I told the kids that I'd take them each to dinner and a movie for their birthday. Well Tyler picked the 7th Harry Potter. I have seen a handful of the movies, but they never really sunk in. So I decided to read them. I read the first few when I was younger but lost interest. So I picked up at the fourth book. I have had my nost buried in a book for the past two weeks. But I finally finished tonight. And I loved the ending. I was pretty upset for a bit, although. I'd elaborate but I don't want to ruin the ending.

My newest goal is that I want to read the Book of Mormon again before I start school. I've realized that when I take the time to do this, my life is blessed in some times unseen ways.

On that note, I want to leave you with a scripture:

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but
not in dispair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not
destroyed.

-- 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Little Sister,

If I had one wish for you, little sister, it would be that you live your life with no regrets. I want you to achieve all your goals and dreams. If I could give you some advice, it would be: live with your head in the clouds but keep your feet on the ground. Always think of the possibilities but be weary of the things that could go wrong. Give people the benefit of a doubt, but don't let them push you around. And now some warnings: Not everyone has your best interest at heart. When it comes down to it, do what you think is best, because you know what you want and need better than anyone else. Not every one is as truthful as you are. People will try to manipulate and lie to you. Boys well tell you they love you, but they won't always mean it. Pay attention to what they do, not what they say. Actions speak louder than words. When you make big decisions, make sure its what you really want. Don't limit yourself to one boy.

You'll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team.

Remember, you don't have to do things just because everyone else is doing it. I know at this time in your life, you don't want to stand out. But being weird or different isn't a bad thing. One day, your friends who wanted to fit in will regret those choices, but you won't. You're a strong , beautiful young lady, Hayley Brett, and I love you very much. If theres is one thing I want to leave you with, it's this: People are going to tell you that what you want is impossible, but don't believe them. I know it sounds corny, but you can do anything you want. There will always be people waiting for you to fail. So keep your head up, little sister, and remember what you were BORN to do.
I love you,
--C

&& She would rather have the HOPE of what was to come, than the security without passion.

Please pray for our troops, especially those serving overseas. These men and women sacrifice so much more than just their time. They're someone's best friend, boyfriend, son, and even someone's mother. I love you, Chris.

::Things I love::

• Music
• My friends&&family
• My class [[Peyton, Darla, Ammon && Bridger]]
• Thunderstorms and dancing in the rain
• my car
• iPods
• life
• photography
• reading books
• Hastings
• Going out to eat
• Writing
• Shopping
• Yellow
• Japanese food, culture, cars, etc...
• Shrimp.. mmm...
• Boys, flirting
• John Mayer's music, guitar skillssss, tattoos, face..
• Reading blogs
• Colton's rolls
• Sledding ((on trash bags.))
• Little sister
• Taylor Swift
• Dancing
• Daffodils
• Springtime
• Motorcycles.
• Dr. Pepper
• Mexican Chicken
• Cute Socks
• Clean bedrooms
• Song lyrics
• My wivess
• Love
• Finance
• Editing my photos..((CONTRAST.))
• Being individualistic :)
• rolling down the windows, turning the music UPPP.
• the beach mentality
• tanning
• getting my toes did.
• pretzels from the mall
• watching movies
• organizing stuff
• Hanging out with Michael and Trey
• my bootayyy
• kissing
• surprises
• Cuddling with Ally
• musicals
• facebook
• bayside=♥
• concerts
• Marines.
• myspace
• bright colors
• accoustic mussic
• stars
• doodling on myself
• tenacity
• quotes
• blogging
• antiques
• mythology
• bass.
• driving fast
• hearts
  

&&finally

• skinny lattes. mmmmmm...

Shades of Grey...

So I had a relatively uneventful spring break. I loved it. I slept in, did a little algebra, worked a lot less than I needed to, and cleaned my room. I relaxed a lot and took the time to think things through.

So today is the first day back, and I realized that I miss going to school. As much as I say that I'm ready to graduate, I'm gonna miss the smell, the atmosphere of a college classroom. I can't explain what exactly the 'atmosphere' is, but I love it.



On another note...



One of my best friends left for Iraq today. God bless him. But before he left, he told me some very .... umm.... disturbing(?) news. He informed me that my twice ex- boyfriend, Jim*, still likes me. Until recently, I had kinda had a thing for his roommate, Dwight. This makes for one big messy... Triangle? Its a big mess. (sorry, I'm at a lack of words today.) It makes me question my feelings for both boys. I keep thinking about the reasons why my relationship with Jim failed the first two times. I'm not exactly sure what happened the first time. That was four years ago. But recently, we ended it because he's not ready for committment. He doesn't make time for anything other than school. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready for anything yet, either. I don't plan on having anything really serious until after I graduate. But my friend's co-worker, Ryan, made an interesting point. He says I should never settle for anything less than I deserve. He said that if Jim can't make time for a pretty, sweet girl like me, then he doesn't deserve me. And mostly, I believe him. But this is a sticky situation. I don't think, when it comes to matters of the heart, that there is a clear, black and white answer. Everything is, after all, just shades of grey...



*Names have been changed to protect the innoc...err.. the guilty parties. In fact, the names were changed to characters from "The Office." :)



--C

If I Were a Radio...

I would play these songs. My favorites.


They include but are not limited to::

• Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Falling Down by Atreyu. I love rocking out to this song on my way to school every morning. No kidding. There hasn't been a day this semester that I haven't listened to it.
• Baby Britain- I'm not sure who its by, but Bayside did an amazing cover. If I ever become a musician, this will be on my first album.
• Free Falling - I love John Mayer's accoustic version. Its a timeless song.
• Waiting on the World to Change by John Mayer because this is exactly how I feel.

• Montauk by Bayside - I swear, this song was written about me. It got me through some really hard times.

• Wouldn't it Be Nice? by the Beach Boys - ... ahh. The Beach Boys...

• Fix you by Coldplay - I really love almost everything Coldplay has done. But there's something about the music and the sound of his voice that makes me love this song. I never grow tired of it.

• The Way You Make Me Feel by Michael Jackson - This was from Michael's good days. Did you know this song was number one on the day I was born? Sure was.

• Champagne Supernova by Oasis - "Someday you will find me, Caught beneath the landslide..."

I'm a sucker for quotes and since I finished reading P&P, I thought I'd share my favs...

"I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow." --Mr. Darcy

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

"What are men to rocks and mountains?" --Elizabeth (not Mary, as the movie portrays)

But no sooner had he made it clear to himself and his friends that she had hardly a good fortune in her face, that he befan to find it was rendered uncommonly intellegant by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. ... In spite of his asserting that her manners were not those of fashionable world, he was caught by their playfulness.

"If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever." --Mr. Darcy

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." --Mr. Darcy on falling in love with Elizabeth Bennet.

Lately...

I've been slacking on the writing thing. Truthfully, I've picked up another hobby. Having a part time job and being a full-time student isn't enough for me (and it is QUITE time consuming). Oh, no! So I set out to do something that I've been neglecting as well. I started reading again. Don't get me wrong, I read all the time. But I don't think textbooks, Cosmo, recipe books and Twilight really count. I love Twilight. Its SUCH a good story, but I need something that stimulates my crainium. haha. So last week I started reading Pride and Prejudice for the billionthhhhhhh time. It really is the original romance novel. Speaking of such, I read "Dark Prince" the other day. Its the first book in the Dark series, Vampire (ahem, excuse me. Carpathian) romance novels. Its a little unrealistic, but do you really expect them to be?
So I made a list of books I want to read. I actually bought a few of them. When I have my own house, I'll have a library: one room filled with books and a nice leather couch when I can sit and read all day long. Its nice to dream anyway. Well the list is full of classics (sigh) and some more contemporary authors. Its got everything from Jane Austen, of course, to Gregory Maguire. After I finish P&P, I plan on reading Dark Desire, book #2 from the Dark Series. Then I'll move on to Persuasion, Emma, and even some Mary Higgins Clark. I'll let ya know how it goes. For now, Adieu.
--C

I'm SO proud of myself :)

Tuesday evening, I had no plans. Therefore, I decided to attend the local High School basketball games. My sister dances on the dance team so I thought I'd support her habit. haha.

Well, It turns out that the little brother of the jerk of an exboyfriend plays on the Senior High team. I'm a little shocked by how much they look alike, but I shrug it off and concentrate on the game. About halfway through, I head to the concession stand and find myself face-to-face with said exboyfriend and his new girlfriend. I wanted to laugh. The expression on his face was a mixture of "Oh, shit!" and awkwardness. It was priceless. I could have yelled at him, demanding to know why things ended the way they did. Or I could of socked him in the face, which would have been a more exciting and entertaining decision. But instead I chose to chuckle to myself and take my pizza back to my seat. I kept thinking about this graphic I saw on FaceBook or something. Its said: At first, I was jealous. But then I laughed because she's ugly.

But it doesn't apply to me at all. I don't feel that sharp pain in my chest when I looked at him. I didn't see red when I saw them together. I didn't feel a thing, except a bit of comic relief. And for Caitlin, this is good. Very good. This is cause for celebration. I bought myself a semi-slutty outfit for my 21st birthday.

I don't think so...