Saturday, December 27, 2008

You got a look in your eye when your saying goodbye, like you wanna say hi...

Please take this into consideration:: When I wrote this, I stripped myself of all pride and embarassment. I was naked, in a sense. I had no intention of ever letting anyone see it, and it is, without a doubt, one of the most emotional things I've ever written (atleast for me). Remember this when you read it.

I like to think that at one point in time, you meant everything you said.
I like to think that you meant that kiss... And that you knew exactly what you wanted.
And that was me.
In that moment, that night, those brief seconds in time, I was completely yours.
That counts for something right?

I also like to think that when we pass each other at school, you stop and think, “Damn. I screwed that up.”
I like to think that some days you stop and wonder what I’m doing.
And some days, I think you regret the things you said.
And some days, even if it’s the worst day of your life, the day when everything is falling apart, you miss me.
Even if it’s only for a moment.

And everyday I try to pretend that I’m stronger than this.
I don’t miss you.
I try to convince myself and then I put on my mask.
I go about my day;; remember not;; and try to be confident.
But when the make up’s off, the music’s on && I’m all alone, I shed a tear.
Just one small one. That’s all I’ll allow.
Because I am stronger than this. I’m stronger than you.

I’ll grow up;; move on;; live my life.
I did everything I could… Said everything I felt…
I have no regrets.

When you’ve figured out what you want,
You can let me know. I’ll be here.
I still like to think we’re friends, even though we don’t speak anymore.
You do your thinking ;; && I’ll do mine.
Maybe we’ll be thinking the same thing.
&if not…
Here’s looking at you, kid.

-C

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I woke up this morning and my favorite pair of sunglasses was gone. I looked under the rugs, in the cabinets, and under the sofas. I looked in my car, in my apartment, and around town. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember where I lost them. “They’re gone,” I sighed after wasting a few hours looking for them.


“Caitlin,” mom stated somewhat calmly, yet reluctantly.


“They’ve been gone for months.”


I melted into the floor, as the reality sunk in. Gone forever.


A few weeks later, I spotted my sunglasses perched on the slightly pointy nose of a skinny, pretty brunette. It was a perfect fit, and as much as I wanted those sunglasses for myself, they never really were mine. They were always hers. I pray she keeps my sunglasses safe.
-C

Sunday, December 7, 2008











Instead of writing something hilarious or possibly inspiring today, I think I'll tell you something true. Hayley and I were driving home from church today and listening to Coldplay's "FIX YOU." Did I mention this is my favv song at the moment? Well it is. Anywho, We're driving down 67 and I look over at this gorgeous girl that is turning into an extremely beautiful young woman. I start thinking about how much I love her. Tears started falling. I felt really pathetic. We're sisters, so we should be screaming and arguing all the time like they do on Grey's. But this never happens. I'm blessed to have such a great sister. She's so easy to talk to and we have tons of fun together. She has so much potential and I can't wait to see what she does with it.









Bart Giamatti did not grow up (as he had dreamed) to play second base for the
Red Sox. He became a professor at Yale, and then, in time . . . president of the
National Baseball League. He never lost his love for the Boston Red Sox. It was
as a Red Sox fan, he later realized that human beings are fallen, and that life
is filled with disappointment. The path to comprehending Calvinism in modern
America, he decided, begins at Fenway
Park.

--david halverstam

“Not me, babe. Choosing me is choosing disappointment.”
His words echoed in the empty room. Lying on her bed drew unwanted attention to the fact that the weight of the world rested on her eyelids. “Life’s full of disappointment. I’ve always be a fan of the red sox.”
What’s one more time?
It’s only an organ.
It only pumps blood.
We only regret the choices we didn’t make.
She’s not a big fan of regret. The choice was made. She could hold him forever, but only kissed him goodbye. Her eyes peeked through the blinds to watch his headlights fade away.

-C

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Temper part II [the hero dies in this one]


All the days run together. Your old friends turn to acquaintances. The memories may eventually fade. But you can only stay numb for so long. All it takes is a whisper, a scent, a faint memory and the pain rushes back. You can push it away, but inevitably, it comes back. Back with the realization that maybe things changed for the best. New things happen and the fuzzy edges become clearer. Maybe he was right. There was no spark. The rush, the butterflies, the rapid heartbeat wasn’t there. Slowly, the old acquaintances turn into new friends. And “the one” finally becomes your best friend. Maybe it was bad timing, or maybe it was the world’s way of saying “fuck off.” The reason doesn’t matter. Someone very wise once told me: “It all gets better with time.” I never woke up with the realization that I was over it, and there was never a flashing sign that told me everything was okay. Or maybe there was and I was too blind to see it. Not only does time wound all heels, but it heals all wounds.


-C


Sunday, November 30, 2008

My composition teacher recommended that I change my major. This made the think about my writings. I write frequently, it just never leaves my computer. I've decided to post these more often. Some are old and some are very emotional ((to me, atleast)). I'd like some feedback if you get the chance. Thanks :)

.... This one's new ....




She wakes up, 3 am, and rolls over. Empty. She’s alone.
Just a few short hours ago she was embedded into his side. Now he’s gone. A wave of rejection rolls over her and she takes a jagged breath. She fights back the tears and runs to the window. She only see’s her solitary car in the driveway. She succumbs to the tears and hides herself beneath the sheets in an attempt to turn back time. I’m dreaming, she thinks, I’ll wake up in the morning and everything will be back to normal. But deep down, she knows that can’t be true. She closes her eyes and drifts off.

Life goes on…

A few weeks later, she sees him. It was just a passing glance, but this moment froze. She was walking in ice cold water. The rejection washes over her once more, and she fights back tears, trying to appear normal. She never loved him; he never hurt her. Yet, she wants to know, she needs to know why he left. A weak smile spreads across her face and she walks on. He gives her a big grin and begins to walk towards her. Oh god, she thinks. Not again, please, not again! She considers sprinting, but decides to remain civil. It can’t be that bad. He envelops her in his arms, warming her to the bone. The blood rushes back to her face and she lets out the breath she didn’t realize she’s been holding. He wants to talk, to see her again. She’s not quite strong enough to say goodbye, and eventually invites him over.
She lets him sit on her couch and gets him a glass of water. He speaks comfortably, as if nothing were wrong. “I’ve missed you, Katie-kins,” he says, using her pet name. Memories rush back, suddenly. They swarm around her, clouding her thoughts. She lets her guard down, allowing him closer. They fall into the old familiar pattern. She no longer thinks, allowing her body to run off instinct. This is too much, she thinks, but it’s too late.
It’s like a scene on a movie screen. Or maybe it’s déjà vu. Once again, its 3 am, and she’s alone. Feeling used, she lies under the sheets and weeps. She cries for her broken heart. Regret is beginning to be a constant companion. “Why?!” she calls out, without waiting to hear an answer. There’s no one to answer. And they said, “This is all it took: just one look.” “No! Never again,” she called out to no one. “Never again.”

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I assumed it was understood. Something everyone knew.
I imagined every normal person was programmed with some sense of loyalty, friendship.
But then again,
I thought the world was round.

I guess this is what I get for assuming.

Its not like you were just some girl, you were my friend.
I looked a little closer and realized this is just a messed up ball of jagged edges.
I’ve never felt more betrayed.. stabbed in the back.. stupid..
I trusted you.
But the last thing I need is a shitty friend.
I’m moving on. Moving out.
Leaving the old memories. The bad memories.
Eventually they will fade, as will our friendship.
It’s crazy how I fell for everything,
But I’ll never fall again.
I’m a little smarter now.. a little more experienced..
Silly me, I thought the world was round.
Sometimes good things fall apart so
better things can fall together…

Yeah, right. The quote should read: Sometimes good things fall apart, because you think something better has come along, but in reality that’s a big fat lie. This “better” thing is really a lying sack of poop [[to quote a certain FANNY]] and just wants the chance to screw you over. Let me tell ya girls, if he says he’s not in it for that thing, it only means he’s trying to be sensitive in order to get that thing. But take this for what its worth. I’m just another pissed off girl who got screwed over. I’ve only had one relationship worth mentioning.

Ps. Drunken words are not sober thoughts. Don’t be a pussy; say what you wanna say without the courage of alcohol.

Thanks alot Mr. Jacob Rice. We had a fun run. But things are much better this way.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Power &protection provided by worthy music.

I went to the CES fireside for the YSA yesterday. Russell M. Nelson spoke.
Very good.
He made me think about my music choices. Sure, none of them are vulgar.
But music should calm, not excite.
Some of mine makes me angry...
Music is not harmless.
Clean this rubbish from your minds and your iPods..
Loud music can make you spiritually deaf.

He also talked about the way we should sing at church.
Sing with a spirit of joy!!
Something I didn't know::
Christ concluded the last supper with a hymn.
hmm....

Complete conversion is key to experiencing God's greatest blessings.
Some of the greatest sermons are taught by the singing of hymns.

Monday, March 31, 2008


Shutter anyone?
Good movie. Cat&bri time= :]
goosebumps. photography
<3 favorite things in tha world! Then Sonic to see Shaina, taking pictures thru dirty glass, pissing off little boyss on the patio. uhh.. smokers. then back to the apt for some random[[...ughh i hate that word...]] spontaneous? picture taking. &talking to trey. ILhim... He takes the breath right outta me..
lost knocked up and superbad. just the dvd not the case. who would steal those?
odd.
work now.
ughh..

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Ok, so a lil about me.

You can call me Cadillac.
I love Audrey Hepburn::
reading::
music::
driving::
the wind::
thunder::
headbands::
photography::
french art::
shoes {i'm kind of a shoe whore}::
the internet::
drama::
my besties::
BIG sunglasses::
remodeling my bathroom, I do it like every other week::
shopping::
fuze::
Grey's anatomy::

I can be intense. I'm loud when I get drunk. I love my ass. I take pictures of me feet. I think its hot. don't tell me its weird or all hafta kick your ass. I'm stubborn. I argue. alot. I'm thin, but not anorexic. I dance, sometimes badly. I hate being kissed when I don't want to be. I'll kick your ass for that too. also, don't touch my ass.

I'll make your heart jump like it's on cocaine.